Listening to Understand: How Real Listening Builds Connection

Listen Like It Matters

When we feel heard, we feel safe.
Listening to understand — rather than to reply — can be one of the kindest things we offer each other.

"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable."
— David Augsburger, Professor of Pastoral Care and Counseling

We all want to feel seen and understood—not just nodded at or tolerated, but truly listened to. Research shows that when people feel genuinely heard, it lowers stress, deepens trust, and even regulates the nervous system (Porges, 2011; Koole & Tschacher, 2016). Listening to understand is more than just a communication skill—it’s an act of care. Whether you're supporting a partner, friend, client, or colleague, the way you listen can shape whether they feel safe enough to open up.

What’s the Difference Between Listening to Understand and Listening to Respond?

Most of us are taught how to speak, argue, or persuade—but not how to listen. And especially in moments of stress or disagreement, it’s easy to fall into patterns of listening to respond instead of listening to understand.

• Listening to respond often sounds like:
  “Here’s what I think,” or “Let me fix that for you.”

• Listening to understand might sound more like:
  “That sounds really hard. Do you want to talk more about it?”

When we listen to respond, we may accidentally centre our own experiences—even when we mean well. But when we slow down and get curious about the other person’s experience, we’re offering them something rare and meaningful: presence.

Why Listening Matters (According to Science)

Feeling truly heard has measurable benefits for our mental and physical health. Polyvagal theory, developed by Stephen Porges (2011), shows that co-regulation—how we help each other feel safe—can happen through tone of voice, facial expression, and presence. These cues of safety are often delivered through warm, responsive listening.

Other research highlights that active listening and emotional validation reduce distress, improve relationship satisfaction, and support emotional regulation (Koole & Tschacher, 2016; Rogers, 1980). In therapy, these aren’t just soft skills—they’re central to healing.

Tips for Listening to Understand

Here are a few gentle shifts that can deepen your listening:

• Pause before responding
  A breath or short pause helps you notice whether you’re reacting or truly taking in what the other person is saying.

• Stay curious
  Use open-ended prompts like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What was that like for you?”

• Reflect, don’t redirect
  Try mirroring what the person said: “It sounds like that was really frustrating.” Let their experience lead.

• Hold space without fixing
  Not every story needs a solution. Sometimes the most healing words are simply, “I’m here.”

• Check in about needs
  You can always ask, “Do you want advice, or would it help just to have me listen?”

Listening Is a Skill—and a Gift

Like any other skill, deep listening takes practice. It may not come naturally, especially when emotions are high or the stakes feel personal. But offering someone your full, present attention can be one of the most powerful gifts you give.

Whether in friendships, partnerships, parenting, or therapy, the act of listening—really listening—can build trust, ease loneliness, and create a space where people feel safe to be themselves.

Warmly,
Nutbrown Counselling
In-person & virtual counselling in Kelowna, BC
🌐 www.nutbrowncounselling.com
📅 Book a Session

References:

• Koole, S. L., & Tschacher, W. (2016). The body talks: Sensorimotor communication and its brain and body basis. Review of General Psychology, 20(3), 190–209. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000068

  Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

  Rogers, C. R. (1980). A way of being. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

  Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Disclaimer

The content in this blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of a qualified mental health professional or healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding your emotional or psychological well-being. Engaging with this content does not create a therapist–client relationship. If you are in crisis or need immediate support, please contact your local emergency services or a crisis line in your area.